Kitty News

Shock Love Triangle

The stars of Kittykat Laura have another scandal on their hands. Amazing kitty actor, Rayray Sunshine has been the boyfriend of co-star Goldie Fairydust, but is thinking of leaving her for another actress in Kittykat Laura, Jackie Blackie. Goldie has been reportedly furious at Jackie, often going around to Jackie's house and hissing insults through a window.

One of Jackie's friend's reports "Poor old Jackie is so traumatized by the thought of Goldie attacking her, she is scared of leaving her home and doing such mundane things and shopping."

Rayray hasn't made the situation easier. He sent a letter to both Queen's yesterday, asking them to please do as he says. Both Queen's wrote back letter's filled with anger. One letter reportedly said "I am not a doll, Rayray Sunshine!"

However, if Rayray indeed does want Jackie for a partner, he'd better be quick to woo her, as Jackie has been spotted cavorting around the malls of Highmeow Street with a handsome stranger. Paparazzi has managed to score a few pictures of the couple with their tails entwined, but unfortunately the photos were banned from use, as the stranger Jackie was with has asked Jackie to release a statement that no pictures of the Tom shall be revealed to public.

Kitty News

"I ONCE WAS DEAD"

Tears spurt down Chrockery Makerel's cheeks as he tells the amazing story of his survival.
"It was a normal January day in 2008, and I was toddling up the road in search of a dairy to buy some milk. I mean, how normal is that?"
The rest, however, is a horrifying tale. As Makerel walked out of the shop, handling three glass bottles, a human car ran over his back legs and tail, and another car hit in square on, flipping him into the air an a few metres back.
"It was so painful... I couldn't even cry it was that bad. Everything was slow and erratic, I couldn't hear properly. It was such a mess."
In the end a frail lady dragged him to the side of the road and called a Kitty Ambulance.
"It's such a shame I don't even know her name. She ran off after she called them."
In agony, Makerel waited for five exscruciating minutes before the Ambo's found him.
"They propped me up on a stretcher... then everything went black."
In the black moments, Makerel was technically dead, for his heart had stopped, he wasn't breathing and not responding. CPR for 15 minutes showed no signs of life. Then, he stirred and everything began to work.
Finally at the hospital, Makerel was wheeled into the operating theatre, where doctors worked on him for 9 hours, fixing his tail and legs, saving the failing organs. Five weeks after his ordeal, he was discharged.
"It gave me such a thrill to wealk out of that place alive, kids and wife on either side. But, I never get the milk."

Kitty News

Cat Saves Dog from Certain death!
James Tuttat, a ninja warrior in retirement, has saved dog Millie Greenwaves from her stabbing. Down Microwave Alley, an unidentified mugger tried to stab and mugged 16-year-old Millie after she exited her hairdressers. However, a client, Mr Tuttat, came to the reuse from his little corner shop next to the Hairdressers.
"All I heard was Mrs. Greenwaves screaming, and I ran out," I said, shrugging, "I used my Kung Fu from when I was a young cat to save Millie, and I batted the animal away."
The mugger was a black rabbit, wearing a black hoodie, with a balaclava. The mugger hopped over buildings to escape, in extraordinary heights.
"With Those sort of powers, we'll find him," says confident Police Officer Hockey Bonk, Chief Investigator of this case.
Mrs. Greenwaves is shaken but pleased.
"He kicked the thing away!" she says excitedly, "He just punched it, and the kicked it and... well, he's welcome for a cup of coffee in my home any day!"

Kitty Times

Stardom too much for Rayray Sunshine

Rayray Sunshine, one of the main kitten characters for Kittykat Laura, has now fallen under the pressure of stardom.
After downing a bottle of Hokey-pokey ice cream chocolate sauce, he proceeded to drink Vodka and a Kimmy Lean, the cat version for the human Jim Beam.
"He's a kitten!" wept his mother, Intiey Sunshine, "He's drinking! He's only just of age! I am so horrified! He's done the movie, lets take him away from this... ******* stardom stuff."
After sobering up, we managed to get hold of Rayray and he told us why he was beginning to drink.
"Well," she said thoughtfully, "I would say it's because my girl-friend Goldie did't let me dump her. I mean, she's gorgeous and everything, but I want Jakie!!!"
We asked Jakie what she thought.
"First," she told us, "I am apalled that Rayray could do such a thing. Secondly, I have already been engaged once, and then cheated on, so I will never do it again."
Looks like things are getting heated with Kittykat Laura's cast!!!

Kitty Times

Kitten Becomes Instant Star

Jakie the Blakie (pictured) is the cutest, cuddliest, and now most famous kitten in kitten history. After scraping every single article ever printed by the kitty times, it has come to attention that
this adorable kitten is the first kitten ever to have a main part in a Human film.
Kittykat Laura is a box-office hit almost as soon as the story line was revealed. About a cute black kitten (Jakie Blakie), who is given birth in a farmyard. After hiding from her crazy owners father with her brother and sister (Rayray Sunshine and Goldie Fairydust), they start a long and winding path to civilization. Of course, someone had to notice three cute little kittens stauntering along a dirt road. They are picked up by a man named Luke and his girlfriend Nora. They take the kittens to the SPCA, but neither of them can resist the main kitten (Jakie Blakie). After mixing their names, the name Laura was born.
Told in Laura's voice and eye, she misses her brother and sister terribly. They were named Josephine and Blinky (The male is Blinky) and poor Laura is lost without them. She escapes, and in the end manages to catch up with a cat who had been at the SPCA at the same time as Laura, Blinky and Jo. Then, Laura starts to find her siblings.
Humans made the show, so naturally they can't understand Meataut - our language. Jakie's voice is played by Georgina Celeste - another budding star, just a human.
While humans listen to Celeste, TV 5's film-crew filmed the whole document in Meataut and is going out into the cinemas in another week.
Meanwhile, we will keep you up-dated with Jakie and Georgina, and their hit movie.



NOT TRUE (Though I wish it was).

The list of cat luvas

Here is the not updated list of Cat lovers:

Kitty Milo
Candycane
Eatalot
Sherbet
Neina-Marie
Kitty Cat??

Kitty Times

Police find new ways of punishing taggers - with a good side

This morning, Police caught fourteen year old Daniel Macheral tagging a wall at the Hamilton Hillcrest Library. After ordering him to paint it up, the Police debated on how to punish him.
He only did a small ammount, before being caught, so a little bit of community work would hurt, more or less???
Then, it hit them.
Macheral has been chargedwith forty days community service - at the SPCA in Hamilton, in the cat section.
"We weren't sure about it at first," revealed Worker Janice Gracie, "But he fits in so well, that he has given up his work and is becoming a full-time carer."
Never having animals at home, Daniel grew up longing for pets. A few weeks ago, he asked his mother, Harriet Macheral (Now in custody), for a pet, and she beat him up.
Very angry, he decided to graffiti her favourite place - the Hamilton Hillcrest Library.
We asked Macheral (Daniel) how he felt when he graffitied.
"Awesome," he admitted, "But working at the SPCA is soooo good. I feel like I am in heaven with the cats!!!"
While his mother awaits trial, he is happily froliking with his kitten pals, showing respect to our race.


Not true.